Rambling Lemurian

I’m not really good at life. I’m not a good DIYer. I can’t install a car seat. I’m bad at remembering things. I’m not a great dad or husband. I’m a procrastinator. I’m bad at talking to people. I’m lazy. I’m getting dumber. I can’t focus on tasks and follow through on my goals like this blog or reading more or even finishing a TV series that I like. Overall I’m just not very good at being a person. But at least I know how to make venison chili. So I guess I’ll write about that.

The first time I made chili was for Super Bowl XLIX, February of 2015. It wasn’t for a party or anything. I was alone in my still new condo, preparing for a big snowstorm. That snowstorm ended up being a pretty big one. To be a nice neighbor and combat my loneliness and boredom, I decided to shovel a path in my building’s courtyard, since there was already about 8 inches of snow with plenty more on the way. But of course I forgot my key and got locked out of the building. It took about 15 minutes of calling neighbors on the intercom (neighbors I didn’t know) before someone answered and let me in. It really pays to do something nice for people, right?

Chili is a manly thing to cook and I wanted to prove I was manly so I figured I’d try to make it. I took the general recipe from Drew Magary at Deadspin but bastardized it out of boredom and naivete. It turned out pretty good (of course I think that since I made it and was probably the only one to try it). Over the years I’ve changed some stuff, tried it with new meats and vegetables and whatnot. And this summer I had my proudest achievement. I won a block party chili contest with this chili. Even got a trophy for it (it’s 2 inches tall). But I never wrote it down. I figure today, on New Years’ Eve, I might as well make it “official”.

Oh no… did I just do the typical recipe blog thing where the writer’s like “I’m going to give you this recipe” and then it’s like 10 pages of backstory for SEO purposes? Am I that person now?? Dear God, please no! Please, I didn’t mean to do it! I’m sorry!! I promise, I’ll stop right now! OK, OK, here it isHere’s some stuff you’ll need, but this is designed to be flexible, so adjust as you see fit:

THE BASICS
– 5 pounds of ground venison or some other meats. Use beef if you prefer to KILL THE PLANET. Most of the major grocery stores around me sell ground venison now. I also get it from Wild Fork. I have also used elk.
– 3 quarts of beef broth. Yes, I know, beef is bad for the planet but unless you can show me where to get venison or elk broth then shut up.
– 1 big onion, diced. Maybe 2.
– 1 shallot, diced
– 1 leek, chopped. Use the green parts too
– 5 jalapeno peppers, diced. Keep the seeds unless you’re a wuss. Add more if you like it hotter, or hotter peppers
– 1 or 2 sweet peppers. I use green or orange
– 2 big cans of crushed or diced tomatoes
– 3 normal cans of the beans of your choice. I like to mix black, kidney, and white beans.
– 1-2 cans of corn, or frozen corn
– Diced mushrooms. I don’t know, one normal container’s worth?
– A big-ass pot. This makes a lot of chili, like 20 servings? I don’t know. Adjust this to whatever pot you plan to use
– Olive oil

HERBS and SPICES – adjust to your tastes.
– Chili Powder
– Garlic (crushed or finely chopped or powder)
– Paprika
– Rosemary
– Thyme
– Marjoram
– Dill
– Parsley
– Salt
– Pepper
– I think I’m forgetting a couple things, but this is the gist of it.

Ok, let’s get cooking

1. Heat up your big-ass pot. Drops some glugs of olive oil in it so it coats the bottom of the pot.
2. Throw in your onion and shallots. Let that cook for a couple minutes
3. Throw in all the ground meat. Break it up as much as you can as it cooks for a few minutes until it’s like 90% cooked.
4. Add in the broth
5. Add in the tomatoes along with all the other vegetables and beans
6. Bring it back to a boil, then simmer, frequently stirring. You might need to reduce it down for a couple hours to get the appropriate thickness. You can also add more broth or water if everything isn’t covered.
7. While simmering, add in all the herbs and spices
8. Optional, add in some bourbon
9. Tinker until it tastes the way you want it to and the vegetables are softer.

I think that’s pretty much it. I may have forgotten something since I never write this down and improvise a lot of my cooking. But it’s not hard and you can constantly adjust based on what you think is missing or if there’s too much broth, meat, stuff, etc. It just take some time.

Serve it in a bowl with some freshly chopped parsley. Or I like to use it as a “sauce” on pasta or rice. However you like to eat it, I hope you like it. I think it’s pretty good. It might even be relatively healthy chili. Let me know if you try it.