Rambling Lemurian

I’ve always thought the “Holidays” are corny bullshit. I hate the idea of “giving Thanks” or going around the table saying what everyone is “thankful” for. I haven’t felt “thankful” for much in a very long time, maybe ever. I sometimes wonder if that means I’m fucked up in the head somehow, maybe like 10% sociopathic or something. And it’s not like I don’t have reasons to be thankful. I grew up quite privileged. I’m a white, “straight”, male living in/around a major city, with a college education totally paid for by undeserved scholarships and my parents’ money. No student loans, minimal debt, wasn’t forced out of my parents’ house at 18 years old. Pretty much always got what I wanted from them, within reason. I work a job that requires minimal effort and concentration from me and no commuting. I make enough money to be comfortable financially and splurge on some middle-class things. My wife hasn’t left me yet, and my kid doesn’t hate me yet. And yet…. I don’t know. I just don’t really feel it. Everyone else says this is the time to give thanks for all of life’s blessings and family and friends. But I just keep going through all of my regrets.

Somehow my daughter ended up with a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style picture book. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly she likes it. Recently I’ve also been playing Metazooa, a wordle-type of game where you have to guess the animal of the day by following taxonomy paths of the animals you guess. I’ve also had a revival of interest in playing Civ VI, and struggling through deciding which tech and civic and production path to follow for my civilization. I also had my possible fae encounter on a path in the woods a couple weeks ago. It feels like the idea of paths have come up quite a bit for my recently. Realistically, paths are always coming up for all of us. But it feels like it’s especially at the front of my consciousness right now. And that always makes me think of my own path in life, and the paths I didn’t take. Instead of letting the memories of these major forks in the road bounce through my head scrambling what’s left of my brain even further, I’m going to just list them out here.

In late 2017, I asked my now-wife to marry me. I didn’t tell anyone I was planning it. Not my very few friends, not my family, not her parents. We had spoken about it before so it’s not like she was blindsided by any means, but everyone else was, I guess. I bought the ring online myself. Kept it for several weeks before finding the “right” time to do it. But I did have a moment of hesitation. Was this the right move? Was I actually happy? This was my first actual girlfriend. Did I give us enough time to be sure? I went through it anyway.

I started dating my now-wife in the summer of 2016. We hit it off pretty quickly. But about a month or two in was probably the biggest fork of my life. We were at her home one night and she had had a particularly bad day. She suggested that I break up with her. I was scared. I had been trying “so hard” to get a girlfriend and not feel lonely for years before this. I thought I finally had it and was doing everything right. And this felt like a punch to the gut. We sat in silence for a long time as I had no idea what to say. It felt like hours and it honestly could have been. I wanted to cry. I had gotten so frustrated with online dating and my social anxiety that earlier on I told myself she was my last chance. If this didn’t work I’d be done trying. Maybe I’ll even try dating guys instead since clearly I was so bad at dating women. So I needed to see this through. And I was now facing this choice. Do I walk away since she clearly wasn’t as into me as I thought? Or do I stick it out and hope this is just a result of a bad day and not a precursor of what’s to come. I stayed. What would have happened if I didn’t, though? What would have happened if I was brave enough to face heartbreak?

Sometime in 2015 or 2016, I was struggling with online dating, loneliness, and mental health. I didn’t do anything good for my mental health. In retrospect I wish I sought therapy much earlier. I was starting to question my sexuality. What if I wasn’t as straight as I thought? I played around with my dating profile settings and started to browse not just cis-women. A couple times I ended up getting messages from guys but was immediately turned off or creeped out. But one time I had a real conversation with one. After several messages and replies, he gave me his number. I came very close to texting him, which likely would have led to meeting up. Who knows what would have happened after that. But I never hit send. It sat in my drafts for about a week before I decided that the moment had passed and I basically ghosted him, like so many girls had done to me. I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had taken that path. Would it be an awakening for me? Or would it have just been an awkward experiment and I backed off into my status quo? I wonder.

Shortly before that, I think in 2015, I had an unofficial work outing to a Cubs game on one of the rooftops on Waveland. My normal work friends were all there along with others in our rough age range. At the time, as stated above, I was very depressed. I didn’t have many friends, practically no social life, no real hobbies, and most of my enjoyment came from being at work. I really valued my friends at work, to the point that I didn’t look forward to weekends much. I preferred to be at work because I was around people I liked. I had become fairly close friends with a girl at work. And I had often internally debated with myself if I should try to become more than friends. She was at the game and we spent most of the day next to each other. Some of the girls on the Marketing team seemed determined to try to set us up too, but not very overtly. And honestly I don’t think I needed egging on. I was already considering “making a move” of some sort. But I was scared. Partially of rejection. Partially of potential awkwardness at work down the line. But mostly I was scared of losing what little I had in a work-friendship. It just felt like if I tried dating her, something would likely go wrong and I’d lose her as a friend forever. So it was “safer” to just keep the status quo and be friends. But what if I had some confidence and courage? We’re still friends now despite me leaving that company a couple years ago. We share a lot of interests and politics, and have a similar sense of humor. Looking back I think it would have worked out, at least on my end.

I studied business in college because whenever we had one of those “career skill assessment” tests in high school that’s what it said I would be good at. I don’t think I’m good at it. I don’t particularly like it. I started in Finance in school and honestly hated that crowd. Nothing in finance makes sense to me. But I stuck on with it figuring I’d at least make some decent money in finance. I added Management as a double-major since I was ahead of schedule and found it a bit more interesting, even though my personality doesn’t really scream LEADERSHIP. But one time a writing professor pulled me into the hall during class and said I had a real talent for writing, and that I should major in it. I quickly decided to pass on the offer. I was already double-majoring. But I wish I did it. Finance sucks. Business sucks. Capitalism is evil. I admire journalists and writers though. Even though I’m not a big reader, I like the idea of being a writer in some capacity. I wish I pursued it seriously. And if not that, I should have pursued something in science like astronomy. I was interested in that but I never took it seriously. Why? I don’t know. I felt pressure to go into business because that’s what the tests said, and it felt like that was what was assumed I’d do. So I just went with it.

There are some more I can think of. But after putting this all down for the first time I realized a common element to all these choices I’ve made. And it’s that I didn’t really make a choice of MY own. I just kind of have gone with the flow, following other people’s assumptions and wishes, and not giving my own feelings a serious chance. I haven’t made any bold decisions of my own. The decisions I did make were out of cowardice and fear. Not out of my own wants and desires and dreams. Looking back it seems I’ve sleepwalked through major decisions in my life instead of really sitting down with myself and people I could confide in to figure out what I wanted to do. I acted rashly yet fearfully most of the time. And that sucks. That’s not a good way to live. And that’s why I feel like I haven’t lived. I let life pass me by, filtered not only by my anxieties but the wants and anxieties of everyone around me.

This path of fear has led me here, helping some old Methodists set up a Nativity Scene in 20 degree weather for a church when I hate organized religion. Maybe one day, now that I’ve written this all out, I’ll find the courage to say No. To do things I want without seeking permission first or defaulting to what other people want first. Maybe I’ll be able to say “fuck it, I’m doing it, I don’t care what you think” and it’s for something more significant than a pair of shoes and a secret McDonald’s cheeseburger. Hopefully one day I’ll be on a path and realize this is where I want to be, and I’m thankful I could put myself here. It won’t be today. But maybe one day.